Sometimes when a friend or loved one is struggling with anxiety, it’s normal for us to want to jump in with our perceived helpful commentary and try to make them feel better with words of comfort. Though these words are usually meant to be supportive and come from a place of good intent, it’s important to remember that some words can end up causing more harm than good. In your efforts to reassure and help your loved ones, it’s beneficial to know what you should avoid saying, so you don’t accidentally make things worse. Even if you have pure intentions and mean well, you can end up making a mess while trying to cheer them up – so, here’s a list of some things you should never say to someone struggling with anxiety :
- It’s all in your head
- Yes, anxiety is a mental disorder. Yes, thoughts and fears originate in the head. No, that does not make it any less real. You can’t see asthma with your naked eye, yet you wouldn’t tell someone it’s just in their head. Anxiety is just as real as a physical condition. Telling someone with anxiety that their condition is in their head isn’t a helpful comment and doesn’t accomplish anything positive. Knowing that anxious thoughts lead to anxiety doesn’t make it easy for the person to stop having anxious thoughts. Saying this can be invalidating and make them feel as if you are accusing them of imagining their anxiety.
- Don’t worry or stop worrying
- Telling someone with anxiety to stop worrying is like telling someone with a broken foot to get up and start walking around. The person with anxiety, more than anything, wants to stop worrying, but one of the primary symptoms of anxiety is excessive and constant worry. If it were that simple and the person could just instantly stop worrying, don’t you think they just would? Worrying is a terrible feeling that no one enjoys, but those suffering from anxiety cannot help it. Anxiety causes their mind to be stuck in “worst-case scenario mode.” If the person experiencing anxiety had the ability to stop worrying in that moment, they’d stop. So, please do not tell someone to “stop worrying,” it does nothing to help.
- Get over it / calm down
- If it were that easy, no one would suffer from anxiety because everyone would simply just “get over it.” Unfortunately, that’s just now how it works. Not only is saying this super insensitive, but it also shows the person you are talking to that you don’t care about what they’re dealing with. No one chooses to have anxiety, just like no one chooses to have asthma, allergies, or migraines. Would you tell someone with a broken leg to “just walk on it?” No, right? Well, the brain can’t get over its anxiety anymore than the broken bone can just magically put itself back together with a snap of a finger.
- It’s not a big deal or you have nothing to worry about
- To you, a person who is not in “worst-case scenario” mode, it may be clear that nothing alarming is taking place, but that’s not how the anxious person perceives the situation. A symptom of anxiety is having intensive, excessive anxious feelings that last longer than or out of proportion to the original stressors. During their non-anxious moments, most people who struggle with anxiety know that some of their thoughts are out of proportion to the circumstance at hand, and not always rational. But when anxiety appears, it’s easy to give in to full-blown panic mode. Telling someone what they’re worrying about “is not a big deal,” is invalidating and minimizes their suffering.
- Things could be so much worse / others have it so much worse
- Could things be worse? Probably. Are there others out there who have it much worse? Of course. Does this change the situation at hand? Absolutely not! Does this make the feelings of the person suffering any less valid or change their situation? Nope! When someone is anxious, bringing something like this up does nothing to help them. Instead, it can end up causing feelings of guilt and shame, leading to even more anxiety.
