No, You’re Not Crazy. They’re Gaslighting You.

Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation in which the perpetrator manipulates information in a way to make the victim doubt their own memories, sanity and perception of reality. In other words, it’s emotionally abusive behavior that makes the victim question their thoughts and even the events occurring around them, to the point of making them believe they are losing their minds and going insane. This leaves the victim constantly second-guessing themselves, being hyper-sensitive, and feeling confused. Why would anyone gaslight others? Because these people want to gain power over the victim and have full control of their relationship. 

If someone were to look into the situation from the outside, they would easily be able to identify all of the manipulation and lies that were taking place. On the other hand, even someone who is familiar with the term gaslighting and what it entails, could fall victim to the torment. Emotional abuse like this, over a long period of time, coming from a person you love and trust, can really wear anyone down, causing the victim to not think clearly. Gaslighting can have devastating impacts on emotional and psychological well-being. Gaslighting can cause a victim to develop mental health issues, such as anxiety and depression.

If you see these behaviors (listed below), leave, run if you must, but leave. Do not stick around thinking they will change, do not stay because you think you can change them, do not stay because you love them, LEAVE. You do not deserve to be abused! Share what’s happening with a trusted loved one and get professional help, but please don’t stay.

Gaslighting behaviors:

• Lying to you 
  • There are 2 ways this can manifest, it can be one or the other, or both :
    • The perpetrator tells lies and the story is never the same, it’s constantly changing and if confronted, the blame is shifted on you, for example:  “You’re overly sensitive and I didn’t want to upset you” “If you weren’t so annoying, I would just tell you things”
    • Perpetrators of gaslighting will straight up lie to your face, and when they are called out for their lie or presented with proof of their deceitfulness, they will not drop the story. They will stick with their story and deny any blame until the end. They do this to start a pattern. Once they have you questioning what’s true and what’s not, they know you’ll be more susceptible to questioning your own sense of reality and start accepting theirs

• Deflecting blame
  • The gaslighter somehow always shifts the blame back on you. The goal here is to make you feel as if you are responsible for their terrible behavior and make you feel that if you acted how they wanted, they would treat you better. If you ask them a question they deflect it back in one of two ways :
    • Accusing you of making things up and being adamant that whatever you’re asking about never happened “That never happened, why are you making things up?”
    • Responding to your questions with remarks like “ You only want to know where I was last night because you’re so insecure” or “If you were a better significant other, I wouldn’t have had to cheat on you”

• Minimizing your feelings 
  • Responding to anything you say about how you’re feeling with commentary such as : “You’re overreacting,” “I was just joking, stop being so oversensitive,” “Just calm down, it’s not that big of a deal.” These types of comments make the victim feel as if what they have to say and their feelings do not matter.
  •  Over long periods of time, this can be really damaging to your self-esteem and this gives a gaslighter something to prey on to help them control you

• Making you feel as if you’re never good enough and everything you do is wrong 
  • It starts with name calling — you’re crazy and overly sensitive — and then the jokes made around your biggest insecurities kick in, and then you “just lack a sense of humor and can’t take jokes.” Slowly, it turns into putting you down in every way possible (ex: you’re not pretty enough, you’re not smart enough.) Then comes a day where you were supposed to hangout at 7:00, but show up 5 minutes later and that’s where it turns into screaming. At this point the perpetrator knows their power over you, and everytime you don’t do exactly what they want, all hell breaks loose. This part is done so gradually, that anyone could become prey. Making the victim feel like they are useless gives the gaslighter full power.

• Giving you positive reinforcements 
  • The gaslighter has made you feel useless, neglected you of love, wore you down to the point of you questioning what’s real and what’s isn’t. They’ve left you longing for approval and having your feelings validated, so here and there they will throw you some positive reinforcements — whether they be nice words or presents. But, don’t be fooled, this is not done with any good intentions, it’s just another manipulation tactic. Someone who’s been putting you down, is now randomly praising you. They want you to think “ aww, they’re actually not that bad.” This is done to help them serve their own agenda of keeping you confused and them in control. 

• You get “pay back” for defying them and have to earn your right to be with them
  • Every time the victim doesn’t do exactly what the perpetrator wants, in the way they want it, you have to suffer a consequence 
    • “Say this to me again and I’ll break up with you” 
    • “You can only talk to me after 10PM for 15 minutes” 
    • “If you don’t stop talking, I’ll block you and talk to you later”
    • “If you continuously keep asking me about _____, I’ll break up with you.” 
    • “If you _____, then I won’t break up with you” 

• You are constantly apologizing 
  • You are unnecessarily apologizing to the perpetrator. After every argument or talk, you are the one apologizing and you actually start believing you are at fault, even if you did nothing wrong. 

• Makes you believe others are talking negatively about you
  • The gaslighter will tell the victim that others say mean things about them, making the victim want to isolate from them, giving the gaslighter even more room and way for control. 

Sometimes, the gaslighter will cause a fight where the victim has no choice, but raising their voice to even have an opportunity for their voice to be heard. Then, they will quickly switch up into telling the victim they are crazy, dramatic and aggressive. Once again, this is just another manipulation technique. However this time it’s used to make themselves appear as the victim. The first step to protecting yourself is to become aware of all of these behaviors, so you can quickly identify them.